I tend to do my own thing. Fly under the radar. I may not make a lot of effort to be involved in other peoples lives but I think that I can trace this characteristic back to middle school. I had this friend who would call me evverryydayy to hang out. She was "annoying," so annoying, and I would tell anyone that she was and I wouldn't feel bad about it because she just annoyed me so much. I made a vow that year in the fourth grade that I could be myself, do anything as long as no matter what, I would never be considered annoying to anybody. I truly thought that being annoying to other people was the worst thing you could be. I'm sure many people have called me that since I made that vow, but I think that has mentality has hindered my ability to make new friends and get close to people. I generally leave conversations before others can leave me. In large groups, I rarely contribute or try to be the center of attention. If I have to say something, I try to keep it under one or two sentences so others' attention wont fade. I preemptively push people away before they can do so to me, like I ultimately did to my friend.
There is this bitch on my team who is one of the most self-involved people I have ever met. She is in my year and we were very good friends entering college freshman year, however, within a couple months at school with her I realized that she was one of those people with ulterior motives in every single one of her relationships. We both joined the same sorority and she latched on to girls in our pledge class who had older sisters in the house, so she would have connections to the older girls. I was left out of their trifecta and began to realize what a snobbish pig she could be. When I started up a thing with a fifth year guy, she coincidentally began texting me all the time again asking me what I was going to be up to that night and what He was doing. Very sneaky girl... Since then I have distanced myself completely from her. Whenever I hear her horrible husky Australian accent man voice, I walk to the other side of the room. I hate on her constantly in my head, sometimes I feel guilty about it - but she just makes it so easy! She is honestly so loud and rude and conniving and selfish and jealous and insecure that she has proven herself to be one of the ugliest people. But she is also remarkably charismatic. She knows how to make instant connections with people and suck up to all of the people she can in order to get ahead. I am jealous of this quality of hers. She knows how to open doors for herself, but I don't know how long she can keep them open before she burns the bridges she has made when her connections have nothing to offer her. In this way, I would say we are completely the opposite. This horrible girl is on my team.
Lately the sun has been out and I have been playing very well. I got my cast off and my body feels good in the water, I feel lighter and happier and quick. Yesterday I was having one of these good days when I threw a bad pass to a player I thought was waiting for the ball, but when it left my hand she had decided to roll back over and continue countering. The ball hit her back and my coach yelled at me. Obviously I know it was a bad pass, I didn't aim for her back, but okay. Thanks. I got yelled at again when I didn't rotate into my position right away. I started playing worse and became self conscious for being so sensitive - making me play worse. THEN a friend came up to me while I was out saying, "Everybody is being so mean to you today! But don't worry I got your back." She then proceeded to tell me that Miss Australia was talking shit about me to those around her who were also out at the time. That I always throw terrible passes. That I am never out to help the field players and always hang them up to dry. That I am so dumb. And, (this one is my favorite) that I always fake getting hit by the ball when I get shot at in my face. And because Aussie is so rude and loud and faux-self-confident, a lot of people were listening and agreeing. My friend was being pretty brutally honest in relaying what was being said about me behind my back, but I appreciated it. It only affirmed what I thought people were saying about me but never knew for sure.
The next time I was in, I got hit in the face. My nose was hurting and tears were welling up but I kept on playing until it was time to rotate out. As I swam away, I broke down. There was nothing that I could do but cry, I couldn't keep my brave face on any longer. I faced the gutter, hugging the ledge and let the tears come. There is something kind of cool about crying in the pool. Your face is already wet so it is less messy, easier to hide. However, at this point my face was already red and puffy from getting hit and from crying pretty hard, but whatever.
When I got back home, everyone was called into the chapter room to participate in the senior roast. All the graduating seniors sat on hot seats and underclassmen got to ask them any kind of question and they were required to answer. One of the questions was "Have you ever hooked up with a guy while your roommate was still in the room?" All of my roommates started laughing obnoxiously hard, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. It is one thing to talk shit about me when I leave the room - which I am positive that they do, because we still aren't speaking to each other - but it is quite another to laugh at me in such an obvious way when I am in the same room as they are. Later that night, we all were back in our room, me in my nook, and they actually started talking about the question in hushed voices. They made references to myself, some were awkwarded out and said things like, "wait umm.." (Im sure motioning to my corner), others saying "no, don't worry it doesn't matter I'm talking hypothetically." Meanwhile I am sitting on my bed with my headphones turned off, wondering how far they will push the awkwardness. The whole situation is dumb and many sources I have asked have assured me that they are obviously just jealous. I am a very respectable girl and the fact that my roommates are judging me and making me feel ashamed for what I was doing (which was not as slutty as I am making it sound) is just bullshit.
I am aware of the fact that girls can be bitches sometimes. We are so nice to each others faces and then tear into one another as soon as someone is out of earshot. I am guilty of it, for sure, but I can't help feeling like all this animosity towards me from girls on my sorority and on my team is a little undeserved. Last night I felt very sad and helpless. Very sad.
aussie girl should find some class! chin up :)
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