I-I-It's My Birthday, You Missed It

ITTTTTS MYYYYY BIRTHDAYYYYYYY! (soon.) Normally I get so so excited about my birthday and warn people all the time beforehand..and tell everybody the day of..and extend the celebrations of my day as long as possible. This year is just a little different. None of my friends are home for my birthday and unilke the past two years, there are no concerts on my birthday either. No friends, nothing to do.. plans are pretty much nonexistent. I don't even know what I want for my birthday. I'm also turning 20. Goodbye teenage years! SO OLD. I don't know how I feel about it.. I'm too young to start dreading birthdays, I know, but the teens were good to me. I'm lightweight unsure of my future and what I want from it. The 20's hold no such structure as the teens did. I can't foresee anything in my future but blurry outlines and hopeful expectations.

It's also my mama's birthday tomorrow. I just bought her a cleaning product online that I just saw on TV.. Kinda silly but I know she will like it. (I also am giving her martini glasses so it's not such a bad gift)

The End Is the Beginning to Something Else... Right?

I don't know that I meant to do anything. A breath of fresh air was all I wanted, I believe. Then a sudden temptation came over me. I kicked off my slippers and was in the water before I had made up my mind fairly. Somebody heard the splash and they raised and awful hullabaloo. 'He's gone! Lower the boats! He's committed suicide! No, he's swimming.' Certainly I was swimming. It's not so easy for a swimmer like me to commit suicide by drowning. I landed on the nearest islet before the boat left the ship's side. I heard them pulling about in the dark, hailing, and so on, but after a bit they gave up. Everything quieted down and the anchorage became as still as death. I sat down on a stone and began to think. I felt certain they would start searching for me at daylight. There was no place to hide on those stony things - and if there had been, what would have been the good? But now I was clear of that ship, I was not going back. So after a while I took off all my clothes, tied them up in a bundle with a stone inside, and dropped them in the deep water on the outer side of that islet. That was suicide enough for me. Let them think what they liked, but I didn't mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank - but that's not the same thing.
Joseph Conrad "The Secret Sharer"