HO HO HO!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Since finals have ended, my body and mind have gone into a vegetative state. I dressed at noon to go work out, however it is going on four now, and I have yet to leave the house. I just made a pot of coffee in the hopes that the energy it gives me will give me a little push out the door. This week I have spread myself thinner over the world of online entertainment. I just activated a new facebook that I can spam and play games on. I also created a youtube account and have been adding my favorite funny vids onto playlists so I can always have them at my disposal and never lose them! I really wish I was in Tahoe now so I could go skiing for the first time in four years. Although it has been awhile, I have no concerns about my skills. I've always been weirdly proud of my skiing because it is something I can only improve on once a year but I've still managed to become above average so check me outtt lalala. Congrats Coco on the new post and Marie on the new blog!

Runaway

Of course, crazy is not the official definition of my mental problem, but I don’t think a social disorder fits it, either, because that makes me sound like I’m a serial killer or something. I’ve never hurt another human being, or, at least, not physically. I’ve broken a few hearts in my time, but we’ve all done that, so I’m nothing special in that regard. I’m a boring heartbreaker, too. I never dated or married more than one woman at a time. I didn’t break hearts into pieces overnight. I broke them slowly and carefully. And I didn’t set any land-speed records running out the door. Piece by piece, I disappeared. I’ve been disappearing ever since.

Sherman Alexie,“What You Pawn I Will Redeem”

So, so, so

JUNIOR YEAR: so far, so good. Comparing my month back at school to my last semester, I would say I have fully emerged from the dreary haze that I used to be stuck in. My team has been totally re-vamped: shedded away a class of mostly seniors and added MANY more freshman, all super talented with great arms and fast little youthful and spritely bodies! Their energy is overpowering sometimes and they may not respect the older girls as much as I think they should, but their effort is really contagious and I enjoy training with people who are talented and push me to perform at my best. Practice has been SO SO difficult - most days I feel close to drowning - but I've been leaving the pool with a good and tired body, a healthy kind of tired, and a good mental state. Not down on life. :)

Team is good, roommate is good, boy is good.. Things could be a lot a lot worse. Look at your life the way you want to see it.

I-I-It's My Birthday, You Missed It

ITTTTTS MYYYYY BIRTHDAYYYYYYY! (soon.) Normally I get so so excited about my birthday and warn people all the time beforehand..and tell everybody the day of..and extend the celebrations of my day as long as possible. This year is just a little different. None of my friends are home for my birthday and unilke the past two years, there are no concerts on my birthday either. No friends, nothing to do.. plans are pretty much nonexistent. I don't even know what I want for my birthday. I'm also turning 20. Goodbye teenage years! SO OLD. I don't know how I feel about it.. I'm too young to start dreading birthdays, I know, but the teens were good to me. I'm lightweight unsure of my future and what I want from it. The 20's hold no such structure as the teens did. I can't foresee anything in my future but blurry outlines and hopeful expectations.

It's also my mama's birthday tomorrow. I just bought her a cleaning product online that I just saw on TV.. Kinda silly but I know she will like it. (I also am giving her martini glasses so it's not such a bad gift)

The End Is the Beginning to Something Else... Right?

I don't know that I meant to do anything. A breath of fresh air was all I wanted, I believe. Then a sudden temptation came over me. I kicked off my slippers and was in the water before I had made up my mind fairly. Somebody heard the splash and they raised and awful hullabaloo. 'He's gone! Lower the boats! He's committed suicide! No, he's swimming.' Certainly I was swimming. It's not so easy for a swimmer like me to commit suicide by drowning. I landed on the nearest islet before the boat left the ship's side. I heard them pulling about in the dark, hailing, and so on, but after a bit they gave up. Everything quieted down and the anchorage became as still as death. I sat down on a stone and began to think. I felt certain they would start searching for me at daylight. There was no place to hide on those stony things - and if there had been, what would have been the good? But now I was clear of that ship, I was not going back. So after a while I took off all my clothes, tied them up in a bundle with a stone inside, and dropped them in the deep water on the outer side of that islet. That was suicide enough for me. Let them think what they liked, but I didn't mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank - but that's not the same thing.
Joseph Conrad "The Secret Sharer"

Procrastinators Anonymous

My summer freedom is just around the corner. Literally JUST. Tomorrow I have two finals, but for some reason I cannot find the will power to put aside my new music and nail polish in order to study. My summer state of mind should be shrouded by how focused I need to be on my finals but all I want to do is slack off and run away to Half Moon Bay.

Well you're my green-eyed girl and I've been running 'round with you
It's the afternoon and we've got nothing left to do
So wipe the dirt off, or take your shirt off
And we should go hit the cantina; we got work off
I said it's hot outside, let me go swimming in your eyes
We've been running for awhile why don't you lay it down, make me smile
I could never ask for nothing better than this
It's just tequila and the beach that's why it's salty when we kiss



Because of my finals tomorrow, today was my last practice. I was happy to get out of the freezing water and the judgmental atmosphere that it has been for me this semester. I can't wait for this SUMMER when I can play for fun, for myself. I'm planning on reminding myself why I love it and that I am good. My team goes off to travel tomorrow and I originally thought I would be getting a separate flight down there in the hopes to watch magic happen. (Selfishly, I don't know if the magic I am rooting for is directed towards my team, considering I didn't contribute to the outcome at all.) However, my mom told me recently that my dad didn't buy my ticket like I thought he did. So I might stay here, I don't know yet. The more I think about it, the more I want to just get wasted on Sunday at Bay to Breakers and let loose living my life instead of being a spectator in some foreign pool watching other people's dreams come true.

4/20

Oh, P.S... Tuesday was 4/20. I don't do drugs of any kind because I get drug tested, but Tuesday morning my whole team got texts calling us in that day to get drug tested between 8 A.M. and 5 P.M. It was hilarious, because it was actually on 4/20. It probably would have been smarter to test us on the day after, but I doubt that would have made a difference in our results for any of us so it didn't really matter.

Drug testing is really creepy, by the way. Don't feel bad if you've never had the privilege of such an experience.

Dear Miss Aussie, You Suck.

It has been kind of a rough week. Lately I have been feeling like shit has been coming at me from all directions. Practice. School. Roommates. Teammates.


I tend to do my own thing. Fly under the radar. I may not make a lot of effort to be involved in other peoples lives but I think that I can trace this characteristic back to middle school. I had this friend who would call me evverryydayy to hang out. She was "annoying," so annoying, and I would tell anyone that she was and I wouldn't feel bad about it because she just annoyed me so much. I made a vow that year in the fourth grade that I could be myself, do anything as long as no matter what, I would never be considered annoying to anybody. I truly thought that being annoying to other people was the worst thing you could be. I'm sure many people have called me that since I made that vow, but I think that has mentality has hindered my ability to make new friends and get close to people. I generally leave conversations before others can leave me. In large groups, I rarely contribute or try to be the center of attention. If I have to say something, I try to keep it under one or two sentences so others' attention wont fade. I preemptively push people away before they can do so to me, like I ultimately did to my friend.


There is this bitch on my team who is one of the most self-involved people I have ever met. She is in my year and we were very good friends entering college freshman year, however, within a couple months at school with her I realized that she was one of those people with ulterior motives in every single one of her relationships. We both joined the same sorority and she latched on to girls in our pledge class who had older sisters in the house, so she would have connections to the older girls. I was left out of their trifecta and began to realize what a snobbish pig she could be. When I started up a thing with a fifth year guy, she coincidentally began texting me all the time again asking me what I was going to be up to that night and what He was doing. Very sneaky girl... Since then I have distanced myself completely from her. Whenever I hear her horrible husky Australian accent man voice, I walk to the other side of the room. I hate on her constantly in my head, sometimes I feel guilty about it - but she just makes it so easy! She is honestly so loud and rude and conniving and selfish and jealous and insecure that she has proven herself to be one of the ugliest people. But she is also remarkably charismatic. She knows how to make instant connections with people and suck up to all of the people she can in order to get ahead. I am jealous of this quality of hers. She knows how to open doors for herself, but I don't know how long she can keep them open before she burns the bridges she has made when her connections have nothing to offer her. In this way, I would say we are completely the opposite. This horrible girl is on my team.


Lately the sun has been out and I have been playing very well. I got my cast off and my body feels good in the water, I feel lighter and happier and quick. Yesterday I was having one of these good days when I threw a bad pass to a player I thought was waiting for the ball, but when it left my hand she had decided to roll back over and continue countering. The ball hit her back and my coach yelled at me. Obviously I know it was a bad pass, I didn't aim for her back, but okay. Thanks. I got yelled at again when I didn't rotate into my position right away. I started playing worse and became self conscious for being so sensitive - making me play worse. THEN a friend came up to me while I was out saying, "Everybody is being so mean to you today! But don't worry I got your back." She then proceeded to tell me that Miss Australia was talking shit about me to those around her who were also out at the time. That I always throw terrible passes. That I am never out to help the field players and always hang them up to dry. That I am so dumb. And, (this one is my favorite) that I always fake getting hit by the ball when I get shot at in my face. And because Aussie is so rude and loud and faux-self-confident, a lot of people were listening and agreeing. My friend was being pretty brutally honest in relaying what was being said about me behind my back, but I appreciated it. It only affirmed what I thought people were saying about me but never knew for sure.


The next time I was in, I got hit in the face. My nose was hurting and tears were welling up but I kept on playing until it was time to rotate out. As I swam away, I broke down. There was nothing that I could do but cry, I couldn't keep my brave face on any longer. I faced the gutter, hugging the ledge and let the tears come. There is something kind of cool about crying in the pool. Your face is already wet so it is less messy, easier to hide. However, at this point my face was already red and puffy from getting hit and from crying pretty hard, but whatever.


When I got back home, everyone was called into the chapter room to participate in the senior roast. All the graduating seniors sat on hot seats and underclassmen got to ask them any kind of question and they were required to answer. One of the questions was "Have you ever hooked up with a guy while your roommate was still in the room?" All of my roommates started laughing obnoxiously hard, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. It is one thing to talk shit about me when I leave the room - which I am positive that they do, because we still aren't speaking to each other - but it is quite another to laugh at me in such an obvious way when I am in the same room as they are. Later that night, we all were back in our room, me in my nook, and they actually started talking about the question in hushed voices. They made references to myself, some were awkwarded out and said things like, "wait umm.." (Im sure motioning to my corner), others saying "no, don't worry it doesn't matter I'm talking hypothetically." Meanwhile I am sitting on my bed with my headphones turned off, wondering how far they will push the awkwardness. The whole situation is dumb and many sources I have asked have assured me that they are obviously just jealous. I am a very respectable girl and the fact that my roommates are judging me and making me feel ashamed for what I was doing (which was not as slutty as I am making it sound) is just bullshit.


I am aware of the fact that girls can be bitches sometimes. We are so nice to each others faces and then tear into one another as soon as someone is out of earshot. I am guilty of it, for sure, but I can't help feeling like all this animosity towards me from girls on my sorority and on my team is a little undeserved. Last night I felt very sad and helpless. Very sad.

We Are the Happy Boys and Girls!

I don't want to waste my time on simple little things
I'd rather stay here all the night with happy boys who sings
Come on let's go get it on, everybody let's go have some fun

I am still pouting and having a silence standoff with my roommates (which I am actually starting to enjoy, 'cause my mama didn't raise no quitters). On top of this, I am sick. The downside, I feel horrible and have to listen to my roommates voices and her annoying blackberry alarm sound that she is too lazy to turn off. The upside, missing practice, drinking tea and watching Titanic in bed. Leonardo DiCaprio will always have a piece of my heart. My heart of the ocean - dur. When I saw the movie when I was seven I was so sad that I was not chosen to play Rose. And I missed dinner today. I went downstairs later to make myself some eggos with Nutella and the Nutella was all gone. I for sure death glared the back of her head.

After moping around my sorwhority all day I have decided to give in the the delirium and turn on some old musica and get pumped up for better days of summer and sun while I'm all by my lonesome in my nook. Break it down, break it down, break it down.
I am convinced the blackberry alarm sound is the saddest sound in the world. Bad day. Thank goodness for Aqua.


I'm thinking today I would be the Dracula fool with the crazy teeth. Garrrrr! At least I am not the one without any face at all. That is one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

Get Some

M: I hate my roommates
B: Are you back in your nook?
M: Yeah and all 3 of them are laughing and whispering again its so dumb
B: Don't even listen to them they were lame before now and obviously bitches..they will be over it soon
M: They were just being so rude last night I think that's why I broke down.. I'm sorry for freaking you out.. I had never been in that situation before
B: It's ok you don't have to apologize and it's not like I had been there before either.. I think at the time you were being sensitive but I would be real hurt and pissed too..
M: I don't think I was being sensitive.. They can't talk about me and laugh at me like I'm not in the room and post it on facebook before they talk to me about it. They have never once said anything to me
B: I know they are not tight whatsoever that had been established

When it Rains

I live in a sorority. I'm not a real sorority girl, though. I feel like stereotypical sororities in California only exist south of Bakersfield. In my sorority we are forced to move out of our rooms every semester, meaning twice as much migration of all your earthly belongings. Since January I have been living in a room at the end of the hallway with 5 other girls. The room is shaped like an "L" and tall wardrobes provide us not only our closet space, but also privacy by splitting up the room. My bed is located at the corner of the L, with wardrobes on either side of me. It's pretty exclusive and private. Very narrow and skinny. My own little matchbox. My own personal nook.

Today I woke up in my nook and rain was spattering violently against my window. I sat up in bed for a while, enjoying the rainstorm from my front row view all the while being warm and cozy in bed with my Potterhill quilt. I am going to miss my nook when I move out again in a month... It is the closest I will get to having a single in this house.



A single would be ideal. I feel like my roommates don't get me. Last week I fell asleep, curled up on the foot of my bed when two of them came in and started talking. I can deal with talking usually but Roommate A's voice oftentimes morphs into a shriek when she gets excited. Or nervous. Or she has just eaten lunch/coffee/chocolate/sugar of any kind. I was drifting in and out of sleep the way their conversation lost and gained decibels. During one of A's louder and more excited exchanges, I impulsively wailed "Be quieeettttt!" whiney and still in my dreamlike state. A&B immediately stopped talking, obviously taken aback.

Later, A informed me that if I wished for them to stop talking, I should use my words, "Could you please quiet down?" "Do you mind talking a little softer?" She also told me I should probably text B and apologize to her as well. Whatever. They have been so awkward around me since then.



And I've said I'm a perfectionist, right? This trait of mine pertains to my closet as well. My left closet is where I keep all my nice T-shirts, tank tops and going out shirts. They are color coded. Black on the left, brown, purple, dark blue, blue, light blue, turquoise, light green, green, dark green, yellow, orange, pink, magenta (I don't own any red), grey, off-whites, whites, and then finally some 3/4 length sweaters. My right closet I have my color coded dresses, and then color coded sweaters, zip-up sweatshirts, jackets and coats. :/

Everything is Moving So Fast

I have been wanting to get another ear piercing for a long time now. Yesterday, my date and I were killing time before dinner and I directed him towards the nearest Claire's, walked in and got a piece of metal shot through my cartilage. It was so spontaneous and that made it all the more exciting.

We went to a restaurant in that was so popular we had to wait around an hour to get seated. As usual, we lucked out and got seated at one of the prime locations, bordering the brick wall in the front area of the restaurant and away from the crowded and noisy entryway. It served Louisiana-style food and navigating the unique menu made the task of ordering our food an adventure. Under the mardi gras beads that were hung from the ceiling and the ambiance that came from votives in red and yellow glass containers we feasted on crazy named food like Hushpuppies, a Shrimp Po' Boy and Beignets.

Today I toured a college with my cousin who is deciding on which school to go to next year. After walking around for a number of hours, I got a text from an old boy saying he had seen me. I was always so bad at texting this guy - a while ago I was constantly forgetting to text him back until he finally stopped texting me altogether. That was okay. Sure enough, lunchtime happened to me and I forgot to text him back today, too. The way I act towards this boy makes me feel bad. I once read some kind of list...rules to live by...or something along those lines. On this list it told me to "never feign affection." The way this boy talks to me, I realize I might be pretty good at feigning affection. (That just made me cringe.) I don't lead boys on, really. I think boredom is what lead me to pursue a rekindled friendship with this one about a year ago. I doubt I am playing with his emotions. I bet my actions bother me more than it bothers him. Tell me I'm right..? Thank you. Yes, I am considerate.

After my college touring, my daddy took me to a basketball game! It was the first time I had ever seen the Warriors play and I was intoxicated with the over-the-top show put on in the crazy environment. Our tickets made us VIP's and we got valet service and a nice lady came around and took our orders for refreshments and then later brought our food right to our seats. I'm sure I would have had the same amount of fun in just a regular seat, but sitting so close made me feel special :). I also decided I have a friend crush on Stephen Curry. It was a close game but the Warriors pulled it out in the end and I made my dad take us to get ice cream sundaes before he dropped me off at my house. It was a good day.

Perfectly Lonely

In high school I hated being alone. I didn't see the point to it. I got bored. I'd prefer to be with a friend if I was doing anything, even something as simple as watching TV. Things changed second semester my senior year. My safety net, three of my best friends, together planned out a lie to tell me one night. I never made an effort to make a lot of friends at my high school because I already had a good core group. Why would I need more? Quality, not quantity right? I was so hurt by the people I trusted the most. I was embarrassed and confused and I avoided every place I would see them. The awkwardness and silence was obvious as weeks dragged on without an apology from either side. I was cornered into loneliness and graduation came as a relief from the unexpected flip-flop of my world. That summer I broke up with the boy I had been dating and I entered into college a completely different person than just months before... Independent.

I can turn back the pages of my journal to specific days during that time and actually see myself growing into this new person. I ostracized myself from those around me and gave myself my own shoulder to cry on. I realized that I had missed myself over the years. There is a sacred relationship we all have with ourselves that is so often overlooked. I no longer pine the constant company of others that I used to (Well, yeah, I miss my friends sometimes, obvi). Nowadays, not only do I bear solitude quite nicely, I actually like it. It fits me. I am thankful for the experiences I have had because they were so eye-opening to me. It showed me what I had been limiting myself to and showed me that I deserved so much more. Spending time alone I have realized that I like myself. Whatever happens the future I know I'll be okay because I don't need anyone but myself to catch me.

Alone not lonely :)


'cause I don't belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me

Definition of

There are some things, simple to other people, significant to myself, that define me. Public things that I call my own. Songs. Books. Movies. Quotes. Pictures. I actively try not to take offense when someone claims to love something like I do. I don't doubt that you looovvvvee "Stars & Boulevards," but I'm pretty sure that it hits me differently than it hits you. The emotions it evokes, the memories it resurfaces aren't better than yours, just different. I am constantly adding things to my list, sometimes physically jotting down not nouns, but adjectives that encompass a large part of who I am. I try to be as honest with myself as I can - not to ignore my negative traits and just write down "loyalty, bravery, independence..." words that you often find framed on the walls of middle school classrooms.

I know I am a perfectionist...maybe that is why I struggle with my contrasting characteristics. Growing up, I was a trademark exhibitionist and extrovert. Putting on plays with my family. Finding pride in being different, weird. Singing for house guests at the whim of my mama. Speaking my mind without one of those necessary filters. Nowadays, the word GUARDED would be in bold at the top of my list. I don't

mean "guarded" as in I am overcautious of new people or different situations. I love going out of my comfort zone. I don't mean shy, either. Just hard to get to know. I don't try to draw attention to myself anymore, but prefer to fly under the radar.

I just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung my life away.